Misunderstandings

•November 16, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Lately things have been getting more and more crazy, as more stuff that I didn’t know about people I thought I knew comes to light. I’ve begun to see the world through different eyes that are still genetically my own. I’m beginning to think thoughts that belong in the darker side of my mind, but I don’t seem to care.

Between marksmanship, and ROTC, and my platoon, and Alen, I think there’s a huge change going in me. I’m not stopping it, good or bad, but I want to see where this takes me. I think I’m losing everyone I know, as soon as we graduate, and that’s the part of my rational mind that tells me to give up on Alen and let my body rest from one less stress inducing factor. But the other part of me, my heart, tells me I have a chance and he’s the only one of my old group that I still talk to, so I might as well enjoy it.

Then there’s Chibi, fluttering between energetic and depressed, happy and suicidal, determined and philosophical. I used to be like that, but in my changed state, I’m not sure how to handle that just yet. I’m still getting out of my own shell- maybe diving further into it; I don’t know.

Then there’s Marksmanship. Haven’t been doing as well as I’ve liked. I really don’t care. That’s the last of my worries. Same with ROTC. Not much of a major factor, but I know it’s there in my subconscious along with a thousand other trivial things.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Alen and I are going to the mountains. I hope it lightens me up.

On the other hand, I realized I am a total failure at conveying what I want to say, unless I desperately, desperately want to say it like I’m doing here. Take Spiral Knights for example. My ex-guild was a bunch of anti-recon (an ingame class or species), polaris-spamming (weapon that does ludicrous amounts of damage, deals a crippling status effect, and causes large amounts of visual and digital lag), plagaristic fools. And their guildmaster doesn’t want to face up to that fact, and thus if you bring up the flaws, say goodbye to your home. I did. I’m sure others have and will, too. But the point in case being, I can’t say what I want without giving in to bitter anger. That just gives the other side a case against me. On the other hand, I’m sick of the failure on my part, the misunderstandings flying from and at me, and all in all, I’m starting to get sick of life again.

I found a purpose. I found a dream. I found the ruins that I was, and I’m looking at them to learn from my mistakes. But I don’t have a reason to live, and I still need that. But then again, maybe it’s just a big misunderstanding. Just like me.

 

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Perspectives

•October 30, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Perspective. So vital. So fleeting. I look you in the eyes- you are exactly who I expect you to be. I take a step left- you are Chibi. I tilt my head- you are Shinseki. A thousand people and a thousand memories, packed into one person who stands three inches shorter than I and contains more intelligence than I could have hoped to grasp at that age. A single perspective can bind someone in love, in hatred, in remorse, in nostalgia, or in all of the above.

Perspective. We grasp at straws to gain it, and yet no man can hold true universal perspective. It’s all relative. But doing some reading, it’s saddening to see how many people are so focused on the external… on the outward appearance, and the trivial, petty arguments that go in support of this paradigm… and very few can see past that outward shell and grasp at the inside. But if we, ourselves, are making facades to layer up our true, vulnerable self, how can anyone truly know another person, even past the external flesh?

Very few people will know someone intimately enough to say they truly know them. Very few people will learn the stories, from beginning to end, of another person; very few of those will be able to analyze that person even better than they can judge themselves. But for me- to see those who are capable of reaching past the looks and who grasp the core of a being, be it facade or real- they are the friends worth dying for.

Forgotten

•October 15, 2012 • 1 Comment

It’s… what, month 1.5… hell, time goes so fast but it’s only been a month and a half. This week that I just had was slow… really, REALLY slow… seems ages ago that it was TAFM and I was talking with Chibi. Speaking of which, she’s doing alright, I suppose. Interesting Skype convos are interesting. But I just noticed something. I’m no longer chasing after D and Ash and Alen- not trying to place myself in their paths, nor trying to avoid them to test their reactions. We just coexist now. It makes me wonder- did we so readily, so easily, forget one another?

D, Ash, Alen- well, I still have my feelings for Alen, but they’re no longer dictating me- and the others- I guess if we could shrug each other off so easily, so casually, then we were never really friends. Or maybe we were, but it had faded away. But I’m glad I met Chibi, glad that I decided to break out of this self-pitying state even before I met her, and I’m just glad that I decided to actually reforge myself instead of being the weak, indecisive person I once was.

There’s a lot of things that, when I step back and look, I can see that I missed. Some of it amuses me, some if it sickens me, and I sometimes even scare myself from the… changes I’m going through. Such as how I get angrier more easily. Such as how I’m more ready to strike out physically than before. Such as how my bitterness and hatred seem to bubble up more rapidly than ever.
But if that’s the price to pay for immunity to pain, to heartbreak, and to have a purpose in life, I’ll gladly pay it.

 

Chibi

•October 14, 2012 • 1 Comment

I met a girl in ROTC last week Friday. She’s one of my Freshmen, and I noticed she had scars on her arm, knd of like mine. I talked to her- we walked out of that room on Friday as strangers and came back the next Monday as some faint vestige of sibling.

You, Chibi, will never read this (and if you do, I shall be… very impressed), but I’m scared for you. I don’t want you following me down the path I’m traveling. I don’t know what your issues are, as you aren’t sharing them with me- your choice- but I can’t help you if I don’t know what I’m trying to defend against. All I can do is stay here, by your side, and hope I can react quickly enough to the blows.

It’s only been a week, and yet we know so much about each other already. I’ll see… what happens. But some part of me, some small and hidden part of me, is afraid. And I don’t know why. Maybe I’m afraid because you hate yourself, and I see that same hatred inside me. Maybe I’m scared that I’ve finally met my match… in some manner.

But I think… I’m just afraid of hurting you even more than you’re already scarred.

Here I am

•October 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Hey, WordPress. It’s been a while. I’ve stopped writing, you see. Writing to WordPress, writing my little stories- poems, I still do- and writing in my journal. I’ve become more fragmented. This year’s different, you see. I decided to stop pitying my third-wheel self and just be the little spook in the hallways, always watching and waiting and wondering. I’m steering clear of everyone from my past, for 90% of the week (Except Alen, for obvious reasons), and I’ll just see how that goes.

I do get angry at times. It’s very therapeutic. Problem is I can’t take it out on anything. How sad. Uh, point being, yeah. So…. I’m finishing up Bakemonogatari, which I shall do as tribute to the Argent Peacemaker that started me down this whole path. I don’t know what I’ll do elsewhere and elsewhat, and to me, I’m not reallycaring. I’m apathetic. I honestly, honestly, don’t care. Little quote I made up a few days ago. If I was allowed to punch someone in the eye for every stupid thing they did, some would have black eyes and some would be blind. Charming.

Well… to the main point. There’s some friends that I’ll want to keep after I graduate. There’s some that I’ll want to forget. I want to remember… or not… and there’s times when I just want to lay back and lose it all in nothingness. I realized I haven’t had a hug in weeks. I realized no one’s said ‘it’s going to be alright’ to me in… years. No one’s said that to me in a while. Ever. And… it sickens me. It sickens me. But I’m the spook, so no more self pity, and here I go.

Here we go, Alen. Sean’s… asking you about Homecoming. About us. Me. You. Yeah. I’ll see what happens. Just… I’ll finish telling you after we graduate, after my birthday party (if I even have one, you see, there’s the catch again!), and after you’ve moved far, far away form me so you can’t.. see me. I guess. After the promise is over. And everything in between.

One more year. Here goes.

Close To Heart

•August 7, 2012 • Leave a Comment
Tell me
Tell me why I feel empty
Why I want to lay my head back
Against the nothingess
And fade into it
 
The emptiness is you
Dianthus
Alen
The emptiness
 
When I close my eyes I see your smiling faces
When I listen I can hear your laugh
When I seek, I can see you anywhere
But it won’t ever be the same
 
And now one, apart from me
The other, less so
Both, steady anchors
Neither, close to heart

Through the Tears

•August 7, 2012 • Leave a Comment
She smiled
I always fell for it
Too vulnerable, I was
And onward we went
I, her friend
She, my inspiration
Now, parted
And I, set adrift
Looking back
I can feel the memories
But I can’t see her smile
Through our tears