Another fight at home. Another session of fucking apathy. Another realization. multiply by 10. Rinse and repeat. Why I ever promised Alen that I would not die until we graduated, I will never know. How I fucking regret it.

If I die, Chibi dies. If I die, Leanne dies. If Chibi dies, her boyfriend dies. If I die, Alen goes into a spiral. If I die, Ashley goes suicidal… if she still loves me. If I die, Vivian can go fuck herself, if her life isn’t already at its breaking point and I’m the fucking trigger. If I die, everyone who knew me will second-guess themselves like I do so fucking often. If I die, what happens then? Is God real? Is this just a dream?

I don’t even care right now. I just want to be oblivionated, or whatever the fuck happens to me I don’t really care. I’m not even thinking coherently right now.

But I’ve got a girl who’s as close to a younger sibling as I can get, who I want so desperately to save so she doesn’t become another this, who doesn’t want to be saved and doesn’t appreciate it. I love a man who loves something that isn’t animate, who probably can’t respond to my advances and thus I have to go into banter and heartbreak and hold it all inside, while trying to save both Chibi and another girl. I’m taking all these burdens upon myself and trying to hold sane and strong. I can’t do it at times, like now.

I want Alen to love me. I want Chibi and Leanne to enjoy their lives, like they’re fucking supposed to, to not have to endure that abuse and to be smiling and happy like they’re supposed to be. These are supposed to be the last years of their innocence and freedom, but they’re already in a fucking cage. And I’m in there with them, projecting myself in there, trying to pull their chains loose but only getting tangled up in them myself.

I’m so good with these mental images. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my goddamn imagination. Maybe maybemaybedescending into incoherency.

I don’t care. Just take me back to my younger self. My parents abandoned me. My adoptive parents don’t understand me. I want a sibling, which is why I take on these burdens. I want a younger sister or older brother or a sibling or SOMEONE just fucking someone to talk to who can hold me and who can love me and hug me and even if we hate each other then I don’t fucking care and I don’t give a damn and I hate myself so much.

Why doesn’t anyone love me. Why why why why.


~ by Tayath on November 25, 2012.

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