Lately things have been getting more and more crazy, as more stuff that I didn’t know about people I thought I knew comes to light. I’ve begun to see the world through different eyes that are still genetically my own. I’m beginning to think thoughts that belong in the darker side of my mind, but I don’t seem to care.

Between marksmanship, and ROTC, and my platoon, and Alen, I think there’s a huge change going in me. I’m not stopping it, good or bad, but I want to see where this takes me. I think I’m losing everyone I know, as soon as we graduate, and that’s the part of my rational mind that tells me to give up on Alen and let my body rest from one less stress inducing factor. But the other part of me, my heart, tells me I have a chance and he’s the only one of my old group that I still talk to, so I might as well enjoy it.

Then there’s Chibi, fluttering between energetic and depressed, happy and suicidal, determined and philosophical. I used to be like that, but in my changed state, I’m not sure how to handle that just yet. I’m still getting out of my own shell- maybe diving further into it; I don’t know.

Then there’s Marksmanship. Haven’t been doing as well as I’ve liked. I really don’t care. That’s the last of my worries. Same with ROTC. Not much of a major factor, but I know it’s there in my subconscious along with a thousand other trivial things.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Alen and I are going to the mountains. I hope it lightens me up.

On the other hand, I realized I am a total failure at conveying what I want to say, unless I desperately, desperately want to say it like I’m doing here. Take Spiral Knights for example. My ex-guild was a bunch of anti-recon (an ingame class or species), polaris-spamming (weapon that does ludicrous amounts of damage, deals a crippling status effect, and causes large amounts of visual and digital lag), plagaristic fools. And their guildmaster doesn’t want to face up to that fact, and thus if you bring up the flaws, say goodbye to your home. I did. I’m sure others have and will, too. But the point in case being, I can’t say what I want without giving in to bitter anger. That just gives the other side a case against me. On the other hand, I’m sick of the failure on my part, the misunderstandings flying from and at me, and all in all, I’m starting to get sick of life again.

I found a purpose. I found a dream. I found the ruins that I was, and I’m looking at them to learn from my mistakes. But I don’t have a reason to live, and I still need that. But then again, maybe it’s just a big misunderstanding. Just like me.



~ by Tayath on November 16, 2012.

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