It’s finally done. Over. Gone. I’m no longer friends with D. I can’t say if I regret or am happy that it’s done, but… damn. It’s so… hard, knowing her younger sister and yet not her. It’s so difficult to be in the same room as her, with all the memories of our friendship, and yet not even… she hasn’t spoken to me for at least a week, maybe two. She doesn’t look at me any more. I think she purposely tries to avoid it. She’s deleted me as a friend on Steam (or did I do that and make the first move?) and I’m 90% sure she’s blocked me on Gmail. Not sure about other sites, but… no contact.  But… I don’t know if this is for the better, or for the worse. I’m just… I’m stuck between remorse and regret and hurt, and I want to go back to her as much as I want to move on.

But, move on to where? If I move towards Alen it only makes things more difficult for the both of us, and the last thing I want to do is push either one of us into an awkward spot from which there is no escape. If I move toward my other friends, it still puts me in close proximity with D.

Again and again I have thought of splitting all ties with my friends, Alen included, and be it deluding myself or my honest thoughts, I’m beginning to think that’s for the best. To separate myself from them, and let them do with me what they want, and other than that to lie silent… Of course, there’s always the possibility that no one will seek me out, and I will be alone yet again…

Espy, Silvy… what do you think?


~ by Tayath on June 9, 2012.

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