Inability

There is a difference between disability and inability. The difference between choosing not to run, and not being able to run. The difference of not being able to shoulder a burden, or just being a coward. And I’m all of the above. 

This past weekend I was told a story that has literally set my mind ablaze. Even if it’s not true, I can’t describe what I’m feeling in response. In the past, if my emotions got too… strained, too pent-up, I would run. Run away from everything, and everything would become better. But now I can’t, and everything I want to express feels like pressure against my skin, on my chest, like rocks in my ruck, and I can’t let it out no matter what. Not when my “friends” leave me to whisper to myself in a corner. I said before that I could probably cry there, and they wouldn’t notice. Damn it, I just might test that damn theory. I can’t believe I thought i was “one of them”, but something between us all is snapping.

And then there’s Alen. I’m beginning to think I should start to drift away from him as well, because well, he’s busy catching up after a week in Florida, and I think my presence would only make things worse. My birthday’s in under a month, and if this all keeps up I might just buy myself a cake and spend the day with the Jempire, just because they care more about me than the idiots I call friends. And they- the Jempire- don’t even know me. What gives?!

I’m tired, honestly. I’m tired of keeping empty promises, tired of fighting for a future I know will suck, tired of seeing people suffer, and tired of feeling. I want answers. Who my parents are, about the Maggotlaggot incident, if there is a God or a heaven or not, and if anyone ever cared for me. So to Espira and Silv and a certain Onu-Matoran, thanks for sticking with me for so long. Hope to see you all around soon.

~Xair

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~ by Tayath on May 31, 2012.

One Response to “Inability”

  1. Same! I hope to hug you soon 😮

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