I just had another one of those crying-mental-what-the-fuck-am-I-doing breakdowns. I’ve just had so much shit going on in life that I’m fading back into my suicidal self with a vengeance, and I’m both scared and welcoming it. I’ve got D and my friends, giving me flak on one end. On the other, I’ve got Alen tearing my heart to shreds, and in the middle, I’m being slammed by schoolwork and parents.

D and the others, well, it’s gotten to the point where I’m just sitting to myself. I could probably break out in a whole ‘nother breakdown, full-out crying, and they wouldn’t notice. Wouldn’t ask if I’m okay. Wouldn’t give a fuck. Probably just think I’m sleeping. But I don’t want to sleep anymore, because it means waking up and facing the damn fucking music yet again. Facing Alen, facing them, facing the idiots that make up society, and facing that damn thing called humanity, that’s just a facade for all the fucking desires beneath.

Alen, he’s just gotten back from winning 2nd at SciOly Nationals, and I’m happy for him. Hell knows I’d do anything as long as he’s okay, and smiling, and happy, but WHY can’t he just take a break from studying to say hi? I’m just… well, he probably doesn’t know, or maybe he’s forgot, the way I feel about him. Maybe that’s for the better, that I can pretend he’s still my friend while I’m desperately clinging on to things to live for. And if I’m gone, maybe he’ll finally remember. But who knows. It’s not like he’s going to find out any time soon.

And as for school/life/home, I can’t reiterate how much it sucks. What I can state is that my friends on SK have become like my real family; they genuinely care; two of them helped me through the week that Alen was gone, and that’s more than any of my fucking friends in real life can say. As for Alen himself, well, he’s either oblivious, or I’m shielding him. Probably both.. I still have this “I don’t want to drag him down with me” mentality, and I don’t know if it’s hurting me. Probably is, and I’m probably in denial. I try to deny so many things now, and for each thing I successfully deny, another five slip in and tear me to shreds.

I’m so close, despite my promise to Alen, on giving up on life. It’s the closest I’ve been since I ran away from home back in September, only I can’t do that this time because my leg’s out with a vengeance. I’m just tired of living, tired of trying, and tired of chasing a dream that is merely a dream, and never going to happen. Something changed in this week, something’s different between me, my friends, Alen, the world.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I can do, but just close my eyes, fade into darkness, and hope that when I wake up it’s in another realm other than ours.


~ by Tayath on May 23, 2012.

2 Responses to “Tired”

  1. I love you xair. Stay strong :< ❤

  2. It’s been too long and at the same time, it hasn’t been that long the last time we saw each other, has it? Whatever’s happening, don’t give up.

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