Hey there,  little WordPress. I thought I was

•May 11, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Hey there,  little WordPress. I thought I was over you (situational irony, please), but due to some reality-warping events that sadly lack the essence of anything amusing, I’m back. And I don’t plan on specifying what exactly happened, because it’s still ongoing and whatever the hell happened is actually really petty, but it’s… reality-warping enough. For me. Because my reality was warped enough as it is.

My facebook’s going down in 18 hours so I can avoid the prom rush of happy-go-luckiness and all that other bolshevik. I’ll be reverting my rants back to here, then, until it goes back up. So here’s to hoping no one new (‘cept Psycho) reads these.

I’ll leave this re-opening entry with a single thought. If a certain person who stole the sky is out there, congrats. You brought the fucking sky down on my head.

Argent Diversions

•December 27, 2012 • Leave a Comment
  1. It’s been a while. There’s a lot I have to think about. And a lot that I have thought about. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth posting these rantings somewhere more accessible, like the Argent Peacemaker did, and moved on to tumblr. On another note, it’s time for me, like him, to strike out as my own person and move into the world. For one thing, he and I have stopped the self-pity trend, at least from visible eyes. Now it’s time to take it to the writing, still writing, of course, but not letting personal feelings get in the way. Only stepping back and letting cold analytical perspective take over.

    On that note, the thing I happened to observe is that humans are among the most inhumane creatures ever. Pretend that, for the sake of this example, my friend from junior high that no one knows about in high school has died. Of course I’m going to be sad. If I was close to them, perhaps my grades would slip. Maybe I would slip into a depression. Now what do bystanders see? Oh. They had a bad day. What does the teacher see? A student who’s getting lazy. No one sees past the exteriors, to the interiors, and bothers to ask what’s wrong. And then there’s the very small percentage in the world who are willing enough, brave enough, to go up to someone and say only two words that could change everything. Two words that may mean the difference between life and death, help or suicide, or something more drastic like Columbine. Just two words.

    But we are humans. We’re self-centered, self-pitying, conniving, greedy little creatures. I am too. But step back, take a breath of perspective, and just look at what happens. Rants like these.

    On another note, perspective has led me to yet another junction. I’m starting to unravel the puzzle that is Alen and me, piece by piece, and I’m almost to coherency. Until then, I need to take a breath back. Just like the Argent Peacemaker.

    So to he who has led me down this path, I thank thee. It’s time for you and I to split off from our two-year gap and I wish you the best of luck on your journey. You’ve been a great role model to me, and I can’t help but wonder if someday I’ll see your face again and be able to talk to you, to confess to you, not as a person who liked you romantically, but as a person who loved your writing as it was so similar to my own. Thanks for being the vague light at the end of the tunnel, that indirect penumbra that cast me in the right direction. Thank you, ArdentSonata.

    And with that do I take my leave.

•December 5, 2012 • Leave a Comment

An.b

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Note: This is written in a code that will later be transcribed. This entry is a placeholder for something I want to do in the future.

Quote Throwdown

•December 5, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I’m sore as stang but my mind is not, got a few quotes I might want to use in a poem or a story or something but I’m too derpy to get ’em remembered or anything like that. Also listening to a Dubstep remix of Vector to the Heavens and it is a hella beautiful song. Wish it was snowing outside, ’cause that’d top it all off. Right, now to throw down~

– If it is possible to break something that’s unbreakable, I’ve done it not once- but twice
 (titanic reference here? okay, moving on)

– Pain is a state of mind. Happiness is a state of mind. Why is it, then, that sadness weighs upon us so much heavier?

incoherencydesperationinsanity

•November 25, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Another fight at home. Another session of fucking apathy. Another realization. multiply by 10. Rinse and repeat. Why I ever promised Alen that I would not die until we graduated, I will never know. How I fucking regret it.

If I die, Chibi dies. If I die, Leanne dies. If Chibi dies, her boyfriend dies. If I die, Alen goes into a spiral. If I die, Ashley goes suicidal… if she still loves me. If I die, Vivian can go fuck herself, if her life isn’t already at its breaking point and I’m the fucking trigger. If I die, everyone who knew me will second-guess themselves like I do so fucking often. If I die, what happens then? Is God real? Is this just a dream?

I don’t even care right now. I just want to be oblivionated, or whatever the fuck happens to me I don’t really care. I’m not even thinking coherently right now.

But I’ve got a girl who’s as close to a younger sibling as I can get, who I want so desperately to save so she doesn’t become another this, who doesn’t want to be saved and doesn’t appreciate it. I love a man who loves something that isn’t animate, who probably can’t respond to my advances and thus I have to go into banter and heartbreak and hold it all inside, while trying to save both Chibi and another girl. I’m taking all these burdens upon myself and trying to hold sane and strong. I can’t do it at times, like now.

I want Alen to love me. I want Chibi and Leanne to enjoy their lives, like they’re fucking supposed to, to not have to endure that abuse and to be smiling and happy like they’re supposed to be. These are supposed to be the last years of their innocence and freedom, but they’re already in a fucking cage. And I’m in there with them, projecting myself in there, trying to pull their chains loose but only getting tangled up in them myself.

I’m so good with these mental images. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my goddamn imagination. Maybe maybemaybedescending into incoherency.

I don’t care. Just take me back to my younger self. My parents abandoned me. My adoptive parents don’t understand me. I want a sibling, which is why I take on these burdens. I want a younger sister or older brother or a sibling or SOMEONE just fucking someone to talk to who can hold me and who can love me and hug me and even if we hate each other then I don’t fucking care and I don’t give a damn and I hate myself so much.

Why doesn’t anyone love me. Why why why why.

Between

•November 22, 2012 • 1 Comment

It doesn’t really matter, honestly, anything I do in this life. I’ll die eventually. but the thing is, what will it do to me? I’ve been thinking about two freshmen in my platoon, Chibi and Mini, and then about Alen and if being in a relationship further than friendship is worth it, and all that fun stuff. Being friends is enough, I realize, but pursuing it further is just a waste of my energy and an advance that won’t really provide much. We’re moving on after this year, and his top school choices are all out of state, where as all of mine are within California. And if I fail, well, that’s the last of my original friends lost to my own desire. So my choice? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m just going to exist. And see what happens.

Hatred?

•November 17, 2012 • Leave a Comment

It’s late. I’ll make this quick. D. Does she hate me? Does she not? Does she simply not know how to express her feelings about me, be they positive or negative?

I’m starting to get that dropping feeling in my gut again. That emptiness. The questioning of my existence. It’s only a week, but this is gonna be one of the longest thanksgiving breaks I’ll ever live through. I can already feel it.